rockbottom :(

I am sooo ready to just jump off a bridge right now. we have no food in our house, no money the car is due today my licence are prob suspended, i cant find a job and i have been applying to at least 3 a day everyday including sundays!! will i ever find a job? will i ever get back on my feet?? my kids are on my nerves b/c Im so stressed, ugh. i should have went to the gold club last night to work but i dont wanna take my clothes off for money. monday i have an appointment with medicaid to fild for child support. while im there i am also gonna talk to the food stamp people and see how long it willbe and explain my situation, i am also gonna see about getting on welfare and gfetting some job assistance. I really wanna get on my feet. to top all the bad things off....maddux's birthday is tuesday and i promised to go have lunch with him at his school and bring cupcakes for his class. i guess this coming week im gonna work wed. thur, fri and hope for the best!! i gotta get on my feet. i gotta get maddux a ds. geez. i feel like sucha looser why cant i find a job?? please god let things get better. right nowe i am wanting to go to the gym so badly but i am not even sure ive got the gas to get there and back!! i just called jon and begged him to please please give me the cs money now I pleded with him that he could leave it in garage andiwould come and pick it up and leave him a reciept handwritten. he refused. whata douchebag!! i hTE HIM!! how did i ever get involved in such a crappy marriage?? scum of the earth. god i wish i could have a job. ill work anywhere. burgerking, anywhere!! please god. i cant even work tonite b/c i told my cousin i would babysit!!i dunno what to do i feel at a loss here. i feel like im running out of options. the one thing im terried of my whole time ive had the twins is being a single mom of three, and now look im a single mom of three. truth smacked me in the face, truth is that jon never wanted to be in a relationship anyways. never. not once.he never helped me i always had to do things on my own, he never loved me. never.

cheat day :)

so i had an unplanned cheat meal. money is tight and my mother brought chinease food so I decoded to go buy some cookies n milk to go with it!! yummo. what kind did iu get you may ask...I got pepprodge farm dark chocolate almond chunk. i had 6 dipped in 2% milk. i feel my stomach swelling now :(!!! I am trying to get some school work done now and my eyes r crossing...guh

disappointment.....

I am so disappointed in myself. i just devoured ice cream. ugh. what is wrong with me? i just drank froday now i ate ice cream. i weigh 127 pounds. i was 115 a few weeks ago. all this stress. i need to hire mike davies asap. i guess i just cant do it on my own. i wanna say i can. i really want too!!!! i guess if i dont check into someone i just cant do it. i feel like such a looser right now. however on a good note, i found a club to work at and i think i can do pretty good there and maybe get caught up!! i am over missing jon and dont wanna work things out with him at all!! im over it. im over our marriage and i just wanna move on!! i love my babys and i love living a fit lifestyle!! i am so thankful that i have health and the love of my children. thankfull that i have the will to survivie and be healthy and happy. i dont need anyone but myself!! ive gotta get back on track health wise.

ugh...diet

I have completly screwed up my diet. i have been eating crap and it seems like i cant stop. i feel like im in a downward spiral. food has been scarce and i ha e been stresses and seem to use food as my crutch. i just finished downing a pack of peanut m&ms that were suppose to be my sons...ugh. i gotta buy him some more:( i feel like such a looser as right now i am trying to talk myself into not eating pasta...what is wrong with me? how do i stop this? i need to make sure i have food prepped. my son had surgery this morning. i have been eating crappy for a week now and am gaining weight:( i think im gonna take my cheat meal away for the next few weeks since i have went so far off track gonna be hard to do but its gotta be done. back to the ole diet. i gotta goal and i am not gonna let jonathan p deaver win over my physique. i gotta be happy with myself:) back to the game plan:) that means for diner its gonna be chicken and zucchini. meal #7 is gonna be no carb protein pancake too!! i can do this i can do this!!! i will do this:) think lori hardner-monica brant-alicia marie- jessica paxon-putnam.....i wont let food win...i feel like a far girl..lmao...starting weigh 129.0

bahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

sooo today is sept 6 2010. my car insurance is offically cancelled:(. nothing has been going right today and my babys are gonw with their daddy. my oldest refuses to shut up and now that he's seen that i have a ride now all the sudden wants to be sweet(puke)..and say how its sad i dont love him anymore. whatever. y is it that he bails when things are awful and wants to come back when things are better??? ugh. he makes me sick. the longer i stay away from hium the more i wanna divorce, i dont think i am in love with him anymore. I just wanna get a job and get on my feet. be on my own and move on. i mean seriously! so todays diet has been ok so far but not fantastic:) it has been as follows: meal 1: oatmeal pancake-6 egg whites 1/4 oats, truvia, cinnimon, 1/4 sf syrup

meal2: oh yeAH rtd vanilla protein shake(32g)

meal 3: wholw foods:4oz white fish, 1/4-1/2(not measured) red quinoa,1 cup green beans 4 tbs pb(crazy richards) and now i am gonna take a digestive enzyme, fish oil, and multi:)

the rest of my planned meals are:meal4: 4oz talapia, 1 zucchini

meal5: 4 oz chicken 1 bag cabbage

meal 6:6 e whites....

till later:)