epic failure

for some reason unbeknown to me i can not control myself against sugar. i just got into an arguement with jonand turned to skipping the gym due to time restraints that would not have made that big of a deal. Instead i turned to a kind size snickers bar pepperidge farm and kashi cookies and a crossant. I did however not eat anything of ANY nutritional value. i feel like im gonna throw up. I now am freaking out because i dunno what im gonna do. I am thinking im gonna dble up on cardio the rest of the week and cut out my carbs except with meal #3. I feel like a failure. i skipped gym and ate bad. it would have been better to just have a shake and nw im way off track. I feel like a failure and feel like mike is gonna not wanna work with me anymore because im not dedicated. my plan for thurs fri and sat is: am cardio.....lnch cardio on thur and fri andevening cardio on all three days plus a workout on sat evening. sunday morning I will also need to do morning cardio while kids are asleep. should I even do this show? I can even stick to my diet. this is fucking redicilous:(

diet sabbotage. day #2

at least my binges are not as bad as they were. the bagels and cream cheese are getting thrown away because all of that stuff is too much temptation. I have gotta work harder at my diet. its simply mind over matter...no shit. I am STILL out of protein and still out of ziplocs...ugh sux ass:( maybe i can talk jon into getting some tonight or something~ i sure hope so I have gotta focus on getting. I wanna be the fittest at my gym. the fittest at the show and not just the leanest but the best package!! no more fuck ups starts monday which is tomorrow and i am doing extra cardio to make up for all the crap i have done over the past week. its me vs me and i am gonna WIN this battle against myself. I am destroying myself:( ughhhhhhhh

diet sabbotage.

having kids in the house is diet sabotage. I just"cheated and gorged. ugh. what is wrong with me? I must not want it bad enough...i just pigged out. I have a serious problem...that is gonna be my final cheat meal. ive gotta get these snack food outta the house...I just drowned 1/2 pint of ice cream and threw the rest out the door. this house has gotta have clean only food in order for me to be able to stick to my diet plan. I need this to be my safe haven from junk>>>i think i need to do some cardio now but the thing is that junk makes me sooo sleepy and not wanna do anything because i feel yuck and have no energy!! i would not mind forcing myself to do cardio if i had a treadmill but it sux having to load up kids to go workout and today i have an extra one and that makes 4!!!! thats too many to be loading up to do cardio. I am gonna be getting up early in the morning to go workout while everyone else is in the bed... that is a must! Ive gotta get my body on track. period.

post binge sickness...

last night i binged today i feel like ablsolute crap because of it. I have been going #2 all morning. i feel naucious:( ugh. my body hates me and the worst part is that im skipping cardio due to my house being a wreck and fabs coming over and the time i was gonna meet tara was impossible to go to gym and just hang and get maddux so i will be getting up supa early while the boys are sleeping and babys hopefully and going for a run outside...gabe is screaming and being a winey and he is getting on my nerves something serious. next week im gonna step it up a notch due to this week and 2 days im gonna do cardio for an hour. I have gotta be pn point on my diet and stop fucking around. I also need to invest in a treadmill asap to help with cardio so when kiddos are acting ba or i wake up late i can still get in some empty stomach cardio. I guess i'll have to save up around 100$ or more. I have gotta get my ass on the ball. my show is 24 weeks away ive got sooo much to do aside from even getting lean...so here is my list: 1.purchase npc card'-100.00 2.register for hendershott show-75.00 3.order suit-400.00 4. posing classes-50.00 5.boot camp 6.get big and get lean 7.net work with other competitors Its time. I'm getting super nervous and excited at the same time:) yay. this is my dream and it's worth the fear... 2.

what the hell....

why is this diet so tough for me?? so i just binged again...i had 2 tbsp nat pb and 2 scoops of ldp...but did i stop there? no 20 mins later i had at least 20 mini reeses cups and then a pkg o f ritz cheese crackers and a everything bagle with full fat cream cheese and a mocha coffee:( I have got to get my a different way to deal with stress besides food...ugh...I wanna make myself throw up:( i guess tomorrow my meal plan will change some: now i only get carbs on meals 1 <3 and 6 so tomorrow is gonna be no carbs no fats...1 hour of cardio tomorrow on empty stomach and i will prob take a run early in the morning on sunday. I have gottas get on track wioth my diet plan....ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 what the hell??

ONE TIRED BITCH>>>>

I am gonna be pretty exhausted for the next few days:( i screwed up and overslept this morning missing my mornin cardio meaning i now have 2 sessions to make up...boooo. so this means i will be doing a double session in the morning....and a double workout tonight! that way sat will just be cardio and home! this really sux but its my fault...i did it to myself by sleeping over and i have to make it up...the fat woon't come off on its own and the body won't toneon its own....I have a compete goal set that i must must must reach so i gotta do it...so todays workout consist of....back bi and tri and its a hardcore work out...along with stepmill after then tomorrow's mornig workout will be running and a extra cardio im looking at about an hour b/c ill prob split them up and do 2 long sessions fri and sat for am cardio:) tonights workout is gonna be super tough as well but im gonna take some preworkout supplement...oct 1st is getting closer...im getting more nervous and more determined to succeed and get to my goal...i dont care if i place i just wanna be my best me possible and continueing improving....let's go....

fail to plan plan to fail...i

It's the age old statement that holds so true. I did not have time to prep all of my food and did not have all the supplys/ingredients needed and i screwed up my diet day 2:( I did not have protein powder or ziploc baggies and did not have my food prepped so i did not eat well tomrorrow im on a misiion and starting off with the right....

marriage...

I am soo over being married. I am only still with him for my children. all he does is drink all the fucking time. he stays up all night. he treats me like a child...he makes me sick... I have to ask him for $ and then give an explanation AS to why i need it...then i get a lecture on to why its not importent and to why im so "selfish". in the mantime i have to make my scedule around his and go by his rules. I never get the things done i need and my work is not importent. he bitches cos im not making any $ @ my job but the reason im not is because im catering to his sceduler and his needs...ugh...who is the selfish one please tell me. we dont spend time together, kiss, have sex, do nice things for each other nor do i want to,,, this marriage is a nightmare. he accuses me of cheating because i go to the gym @ 5 am. are you freakin serious?????? i mean i have my diet and cardio plan PLAINLY POSTED on the fridge first of all, and second who in the hell would get up no shower no brushing of teeth no food and go have sex with someone????????????????????????????????/ what the fuck?? i also have to take him to belmede at least 1x a week for purchasing of loratabs so he can rip his brother off and overcharge him. i think the fact that he does not do favors is redicilous. he always expects someone to do for him though as a matter of fact he acts like evryone owes him something but he charges his mom to cuther grass...wtf???? are you serious??? if i could describe my husband in one word: asshole and thats NO JOKE!!1

the countdown begins....

the countdown begins....6 months from today is my show i am becoming terrified but it is time to let go of all my hang-ups and half assed shit and get on the ball buckle down and tighten up....I am competing against some friends but most of all against myself... I just had my lasy hurrah with sugar and junk brcause as of today THERE WILL NOT BE ANY SLIP-UPS. the gym and trainning will become before everything else. I am super excited. sooo much to do...npc card, suit shoes, posing practice, diet training, register, attend some shows and get in "figure mode" here i come folks...watch out because i am dedicated ad on a mission:) watch me now....

failure

I have ROYALLY screwed up the last two days. I have drowned myself is sugar and food. I feel like a complete failure ands i have eaten:pastta, pizza, a whole pkg of brownies, a whole pkg of dbl stuffed oreos, aa pint of ben and jerrys ice cream...ugh i sound like a fat girl...i am breaking up with dessert and i will not have it anymore unless its a birthday party or something. I need to get myself into order here and straighten up....i have been letting all of my stress and problems get to me and bury it with food...it makes me sick. what kind of example am i setting for my children?not a very good one thats for sure. i am gonna say that pint of ice cream was my cheat meal for the month and yesterday was a mistake. form here on out clean clean clean. NO cheats....jamie eason dont cheat, monica brant dont cheat i need to have the same will power if i wanna get to my goals and dreams. I am my own worst enemy, i feel like a complete failure. larissa reis does not cheat so now ive gotta get backon track here. no sweets in house dont go to store or go in sweet scetion at all untill i get a grip on chocoate and sugar cravings and all next week ive gotta do extra cardio ~im gonna add an extra 10 mins on every single am cardio session next week...and depending on what my progran is gonna be i may even add an extra day of cardio in the am, mon-fri i must do am cardio. i must get up no exceptions....ugh what an utter disappointment i am. eating bad food not only makes me feel guilty but it makes my vody feel terrible so why do i do it????? i dont get it. the thing is that i do it to myself i am truely my own worst enemy....

dedication....

I have had a migraine for 2 daY i am having a terrible day and the ONLY thing i wanna do is drown myself in oreos milk and brownies:-(. I seriously dont feel like working out thats for sure. I am trying to tell myself that the sugar will only make me feel worse NOT better and that a workout will make me feel better afterwards but the "pep talk" is NOT HELPING today. today is chest, legs and abs too sooo a supa hardcore workout....that i do not feel like doing....decisions. I mean im not really in contest prep yet...so a cheat meal would NOT kill me. This fight i'm having with myself is terrible but i think im gonna listen to my body have a cheat meal and take the day off and go back on sunday...its junk day for me and back on plan after....