ok...im comfort food eating wtf???

ok so for like 3-4 days now ive been eating crap for comfort!!! ugggh. ive gotta get some $$$ to go get good healthy food. i need some pb, eggs protein powder o and gum...those are what saves me during those times of need. im going through a really hard time right now ands seem to be turning to food. I realize what im doing at the time and i just dont give a damn!!!! i dont even have any eggs. im sooo fucking frustrated. it is not like the food makes me even feel better eiether! this sux. ive gotta find a way to rise above it. im gonna be starving the next few days because i am taking myself off carbs!! no coffee(im out). i guess tomorrow for breakfast im gonna have tuna...thats it just tuna, no oatmeal and no carbs all day. tuna salad..(tuna and lettuce), i guess im gonna have to fill my belly up with water because ive gotta balance out what it is that i have done to my body the ast few days....i feel like such a fucking moron. how do others handle stress?? i mean if i did have th babys and live in a neighborhood full or mexicans wierdos ams rednecks i would just run, but um yeah not happening. i am soooo fucking angry at myself now! UGH. IN ALL REALITY I CANT EVEN PUT PB BACK IN FOR A FEW DAYS not that i even have any:(. my mom brought me food last night and i have went through almost all of it like im starving to death. i am so fucking sick n tired of this crap!!!!! omg!!!!

turning over a new leaf:)

so today things are still not great, but thet r getting better!! iknow that they will. my car will be fixed in the next 2 weeks i know it will. i will more than likely get the @ home teletech job and recieve income. i will work my tail off > I will overcome this mess that im in, this single lady cant take care of myself. I cant believe that i let someone put me in this situation. ugh- im like a helpless little girl and it makes me sick. i never wanna feel this way again. the feeling of not being able to take care of myself makes me sick!! jon has made not be able to work and leaves me without any food or money!! sure he pays the bills but we are starving!! what the hell?? he thinks that he is doing a good deed but seriously its his responsability to take car of his wife. he married me and i have not been able to work because ive had to drive him around and the ungreatful sob left me high and dry. He wounders y i dont wanna be with him and thats y. now i am gonna file for medicaid, cs and foodstamps. what a freaking jerk. he really thinks the world owes him. all i wanted was for him to give a fuck about me, to be a husband and love me. to put someone before himself and to appreciate me for what i do. i bet i could get alamoney too. im gonna burn his ass. he has fucked with the wrong one this time i am not gonna roll over and play dead. im done.

aug 26 2010

well it is 624 am and i am cooking me al #1` oatemal pancakes:) I just finished my ouside cardio on a empty stomach it was about 25 mins of walking/running laps around m,y yard. things are pretty rocky for me right now and i feel like I have pretty much hit rock bottom. I am getting a divorce, my bank account in in the red, i have no job, motor is blown in my car, cant get to gym, car insurance acancelled, and things pretty much suck for me right now. the thinkg about hitting rock bottom is there is no where to go but up.... I am not giving up. i feel like it sometimes but its not gonna happen:) it seems like the harder things get the more jon gives up and bails. what a GREAT husband huh? he's such a douchebag. i wish i diden't love him. wish you could pick who you loved.

aug 15 2010

oh my where to begin..i kicked jo out monday and was very cool with it but right now actually for a couple days ive been missing him very badly, the bad outweighs the good in our relationship so im pretty sure im making the right choice but it does not make it any easier. i've never know love until i met him. we had two kids together and he is my husband but i guess even with all that its not enough. he drinks all the time and sleeps all day and out lifestyles are so completly different. im not expecting him to change who he is but i dont have to live with him or be around him because we are 28 and its tiime for us to to grow up...sad but true. his mother is a large part of our problem, she has handed him everything so much that he does not know how to be adult. he thinks our parents should still be paying for everything. we are so completly diffrerent, i dont like to ask for money i would rather find my own way to get it, no matter what it takes. i guess we are just too different to be together. sucks. on the other hand, tomorrow is mads first day of his 2ed year of first grade and i feel so bad for him. its just now sinking in that all his friends are in a grade above him. that he is gonna be so much older than everyone else. sucks. he was in tears tonite bc i would not let him go eat breakfast at school so that he could see his friends.poor guy. well i have to mop the floor then off to bed to try and read someof my material i need to know for tomorrow then up early and on new sced!! xoxo

aug 7 2010

So today I'm having a full day at the pool!!! I stayed
At my mom's last night. Maddux, the twins and I. I have went off
My diet some the past 2 days. Yesterday I had 3 drinks 2 of them being red wine. Today I've had
2 mini baby ruth bars. All my other meals have been healthy
And now I've gotta get back on track. Its such a slippery slope
If you/ I allow it!!!! Its a little after 1pm and so far
My meals have been as follows: meal1: 1/4 c quinoia,2tbsp pb, 1 scoop protein,
2 pkys stevia meal2: 1 scoop protein 2 tbsp pb meal 3: 2 fun size baby ruth 4 oz talapia and a 1 cup asparagus !!!!
We'll see how the rest goes.....

aug 5 2010

I feel like I am going insaine. time with jenny lynn is over:( i feel out of control and must hire a nutritionist immediatley!!! the only thing is that now my account is over drafted 116.00!!! holy hell. the good news is that I got my resume done which i hope is good. I have been sending them off to different places. I would like to have an office job but i dont have a lot of office experience unfortunatley and the way the economy is today i pretty much have to work what I have the most experience in...manufactering...boo!! I want something else. retail or office work is preferred:) I really screwed up my diet today but tomorrow is a new day and will be better i just know it:o) until then..xoxo

aug 1st 2010

well today is the first day of augest and summeing to an end which sucks and breaks my heart! I did not even get to take maddux and the twins on vacation!! bummer. i think this year starting in january im gonna start saving up ahead of time open a savings account and not let jon know wanything about it so when its time for vacation i can just go!! I would like to go to disneyland in orlando. I am ot gonna tell anyone and justs start saving. i am gonna trt an ebay buisness started. i need to spend less and sell more and ill be ok. i took todem pole last night and fell out on jon. i can not sit around with those things if im out im cool or cleaning im cool but dont let me sit down!!lol i had a great day with my hubby yesterday but i really miss maddux and am so glad to be getting him back today!! so excited, i miss my monkey! i think im gonna return this movie and rent him one and let him have a mini slumber party!! I am still having a hard time controlling my fat intakeand have already had 5 sevings of almonds today!! geez, o well ill take iut thecarbs today and try to do better tomorrow!! its a good think im learning my weakness before my contest prep, lol. this is my pre contest prep prep i guess. i am def learning what foods affect my body in which way of course things are always changing!! untill later xoxo