goals and road blocks.

I returned from a trip to charlesto Kn last night. I went to take a test and get registered for school and sign financial aid papers. I am pretty stoked to say that I am now a buisness student.
I spent way to much money and now am comnpletly broke:( I have not really had a good workout in all week and I am not sure that I even have the gas money to go today considering that I have to drive all the way to spartanburg today for a sitter tonite. The trip was pretty much a nightmare, in fact the only good thing really was regestering for school. My account is overdrawn 80.00 so whatever i make tonite has got to cover that. I had to throw jon out and i am super stressed out. I think My marriage is over. I am terrified but I will be ok i guess. Its gonna be so hard going to school and working and raising 3 kids alone. I am terrified. I think it is prob the best choice as far as the well being of my children though. I am going to see about a nanny because I am gonna be gone all the time:( my heart aches for them and me. It will be the best in the longrun though. When I heard that being a mom was the hardest thing in the world... I never knew it was true but it is. the choices, the stress, the money......but the joy you get when they say i love you makes it all worthwhile..

on a mission>>>>

i went to the jr npc championships this past sat in charleston. the trip wasa nightmare and the people i went with were completley annoying but the show was inspiring! I did overindulge on almonds today but im def on a mission jen hendershott oct 21,2011 20 weeks out here i come:) woo-hoo!!!

epic failure

for some reason unbeknown to me i can not control myself against sugar. i just got into an arguement with jonand turned to skipping the gym due to time restraints that would not have made that big of a deal. Instead i turned to a kind size snickers bar pepperidge farm and kashi cookies and a crossant. I did however not eat anything of ANY nutritional value. i feel like im gonna throw up. I now am freaking out because i dunno what im gonna do. I am thinking im gonna dble up on cardio the rest of the week and cut out my carbs except with meal #3. I feel like a failure. i skipped gym and ate bad. it would have been better to just have a shake and nw im way off track. I feel like a failure and feel like mike is gonna not wanna work with me anymore because im not dedicated. my plan for thurs fri and sat is: am cardio.....lnch cardio on thur and fri andevening cardio on all three days plus a workout on sat evening. sunday morning I will also need to do morning cardio while kids are asleep. should I even do this show? I can even stick to my diet. this is fucking redicilous:(

diet sabbotage. day #2

at least my binges are not as bad as they were. the bagels and cream cheese are getting thrown away because all of that stuff is too much temptation. I have gotta work harder at my diet. its simply mind over matter...no shit. I am STILL out of protein and still out of ziplocs...ugh sux ass:( maybe i can talk jon into getting some tonight or something~ i sure hope so I have gotta focus on getting. I wanna be the fittest at my gym. the fittest at the show and not just the leanest but the best package!! no more fuck ups starts monday which is tomorrow and i am doing extra cardio to make up for all the crap i have done over the past week. its me vs me and i am gonna WIN this battle against myself. I am destroying myself:( ughhhhhhhh

diet sabbotage.

having kids in the house is diet sabotage. I just"cheated and gorged. ugh. what is wrong with me? I must not want it bad enough...i just pigged out. I have a serious problem...that is gonna be my final cheat meal. ive gotta get these snack food outta the house...I just drowned 1/2 pint of ice cream and threw the rest out the door. this house has gotta have clean only food in order for me to be able to stick to my diet plan. I need this to be my safe haven from junk>>>i think i need to do some cardio now but the thing is that junk makes me sooo sleepy and not wanna do anything because i feel yuck and have no energy!! i would not mind forcing myself to do cardio if i had a treadmill but it sux having to load up kids to go workout and today i have an extra one and that makes 4!!!! thats too many to be loading up to do cardio. I am gonna be getting up early in the morning to go workout while everyone else is in the bed... that is a must! Ive gotta get my body on track. period.

post binge sickness...

last night i binged today i feel like ablsolute crap because of it. I have been going #2 all morning. i feel naucious:( ugh. my body hates me and the worst part is that im skipping cardio due to my house being a wreck and fabs coming over and the time i was gonna meet tara was impossible to go to gym and just hang and get maddux so i will be getting up supa early while the boys are sleeping and babys hopefully and going for a run outside...gabe is screaming and being a winey and he is getting on my nerves something serious. next week im gonna step it up a notch due to this week and 2 days im gonna do cardio for an hour. I have gotta be pn point on my diet and stop fucking around. I also need to invest in a treadmill asap to help with cardio so when kiddos are acting ba or i wake up late i can still get in some empty stomach cardio. I guess i'll have to save up around 100$ or more. I have gotta get my ass on the ball. my show is 24 weeks away ive got sooo much to do aside from even getting lean...so here is my list: 1.purchase npc card'-100.00 2.register for hendershott show-75.00 3.order suit-400.00 4. posing classes-50.00 5.boot camp 6.get big and get lean 7.net work with other competitors Its time. I'm getting super nervous and excited at the same time:) yay. this is my dream and it's worth the fear... 2.

what the hell....

why is this diet so tough for me?? so i just binged again...i had 2 tbsp nat pb and 2 scoops of ldp...but did i stop there? no 20 mins later i had at least 20 mini reeses cups and then a pkg o f ritz cheese crackers and a everything bagle with full fat cream cheese and a mocha coffee:( I have got to get my a different way to deal with stress besides food...ugh...I wanna make myself throw up:( i guess tomorrow my meal plan will change some: now i only get carbs on meals 1 <3 and 6 so tomorrow is gonna be no carbs no fats...1 hour of cardio tomorrow on empty stomach and i will prob take a run early in the morning on sunday. I have gottas get on track wioth my diet plan....ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 what the hell??