july 23 2010

so it's 739 am on friday. kids fighting the hubby been up all night drinking again!! I dnt wanna be around him when he's been drinking hell i dont wanna be around him most the time anyway, I have so many resentments against him!! the thing is that i cant let go of them simply because he does not change. he will never stop drinking...ever i dont see it happening. he is always gonna be unhealthy. he say i think i am better than everyone bc fat people gross me out!! its not that at all it just disquist me how society gorges on junk and then teaches the children that this is the way to live...gross. I love staying homw with the kids I really do but obviously i cant do this anymore bc things are not getting taken care of bill wise and its stressing me out, i owe dan,school, ect ect ect the list goes on and on. everytime i need something its a huge deal and camille does not even have shoes to fit her fet. i think im gonna have to leave him and take care of things myself, actually he is gonna have to leave. I am gonna start today appling for jobs online, just a small job like target, ross, belk, pennys....something like that retail. i can do retail,be a mom do school and be healthy and not be too overworked:) i mean in all reality it would probly make my life a whole lot easier because I can get a second shift job in retail and still have my morning gym routine:) I wont get as much time with the kids and i will always hate jon for that bc tabs and beer comes before his family but i cant continue to live like this struggleing and stressed. I have an ulcer and my kids did not ask to be born. well off to the gym

july 21 2010

well today is .my second day of being sick as hell. i have some kinda stomach virus and having to take care of kids while sick is not fair. my husband is not very husbandly andi think i wanna divorce. I feel like im all on my own with everything and all he does is pay bills. not fair. i could work and pay bills myself. been there done that. I actually have less help with three kids than i had with one. i have not showered in 3 days and my hair is greasy. the house is a mess even though in between bathroom runs(literally) i hhave been trying to wash dishes do laundry and vacuum only to turn around and there be crmbs all over the floor and carpet again. i should be resting but not happening because im a mom. I guess thats life. i love my kids but have a lot of resendtment twards jon. there are so many things about him i hate and i know i should not hold gruges but he does not really change i feel like i have to walk on egg shells around him. he's not very fatherly to maddux which is very important!!! the kids make me insaine!!! i never get a break ever!! he thinks on his days off he is suppose to relax and drink beer bbq make a fucking mess or whatever and when he works he is suppose to sleep till time for him to get up and get ready!!!! how fair is that?? i had a 2 hour lectut=re i had to do live and things happeneded and i had to bring mad home for church and he was going to satans house so could not watch his own kids si 2 days later guess where he is still at??? now im sick and i was suppose to bring the kids to him? seriously?? selfish ass!! he does not want to do things for me suc as helping me have time to myself(kid free) to get school work done butim suppose to go outta my way to get him tabs, a ride whereever he needs to go, bc thats my duty AS a wife??? what about his duty as a husband?? fuck that an eye for an eye from now on!! on top of that i feel like im loosing my fitness because ive been so sick i have not been going to gym, tomorow i have to go bc i cant miss more than 2 days i now am gonna have to go through the weekeend as well but thats fine. i have a goal in mind of competiting next year and i will do it. i may not place well but im gonna enter expewrience it and live my passion of fitness. thats another thing about him i cant stand he makes it so hard to live healthy. he drinks smokes and eats crap. there is always beer boxes on floor....im over the party scence and drinking every once in a while is fine but not all the fucking time. i wanna set a good example, dont get me wrong have things on myself i need to work on as well. my anger, temper and attitude are a constant struggle for me. i will continue working on myself inside and out... untill later xo

so it's been a few days since i posted. today i am very annoyed. jon(the hubby) gets on my fucking nerves, as are the children i am very very stressed, ther house staysa mess, im always worried about money, i am helpless jobless and poor. my car is fucked and keeps running hot and I never get time to myself....i mean never. I am trying to be more posative but i cant muster up patience for all the shit i have to do and jon likes to tack on even fucking more...wtf???? the floor stays dirty no matter how oftern i clean it. the dvd player is broken so we have no tv!! im so annoyed. more posative!!!!!! opps positive

july 14 2010

ok so i got word from jenny that i get a cheat meal today....and boy did i cheat and boy did i cheat!!! I wanted to have something sweet so i ordered pizza and went to ingles to get a slice of cheese cake... i found a reeses cheese cake so i got me that and the kids each a key lime iie, then went to get the pizza...which i got waaay to much of, and when we got home i had my 3 1/2 slices of pizza and 2 beers i opened a cheese cake and realized there was 2, i had both plus a piece of key lime pie, then i proceeded to have 3 100 cal pkgs nuts....ive eaten like 1000 calories i know!! I feel AWFUL!! my stomach is overfull!! I never wanna feel like this. i think i could go without sweets and carbs forever just so i would never feel like this again!! uggggggggggg.

july 11,2010

so....its suday!! checked my weight and bf!! weight=121.5 and bf=15.4!!!! yay!! so i need to do a track workout but its nearly impossible with 3 kids...let me tell ya!! I guess im gonna let it go for the weeknd. I did get in a shoulder workout yesterday at least. jon n I are having some major maritail issues and i really dunno if its gonna pan out. we are not on the same level or waveleingth or whatever. if i did not have kids i would have left him a long time ago cos hw is an arrogant sob!!! i am trying to not say bad things but they have to get out and thats what a blog is for??!! I have a lot i need to do around the house but am decideding to watch tv on the internet instaed. i loooove the gilmore girls and am watching reruns. i wish we had a dvd player that worked and i could put babys in chair and put sesame st movie on and work away. they are actually laying down for a nap so i am about to try yo get in some work. i applied for a part time job at liquid hwy on woodruff, its minimum wage but would help out a lot:) i would have money to cover my supplament s and it would get mew out of the house andmake me feel like i had alittle independance:) i hope i get it. i need a prt time job so i can still get school work done. i hope it all works out:) till later... i will try and load up a new body pic oxoxo

july 10,2010

good morning!! I woke up in a fowl ass mood today because jon left me yet another note saying he could not get up with camille...blah blah blah..he was tired blah blah blah and all that jazz. kids woke me up at 5am!!!! eek. its saturday too:( I have had meal one...protein pancake...having a low carb day today bc i had so many fats yesterday:)). I am now cooking my post workout meal...fish. hehe who in the world cooks fish at 730am??? lol. I am having my yummy coffee. I am hooked on walmart brand espresso coffee with torani syrup in it...FANTASTIC!!!! I am hoping to get some things done today. I am also hoping that jon stays somewhere else tonight he is draining my posative energy...always!! I am seriously notsure I wanna be in this marriage anymore. no sex. we dont have fun together and to be quite honest i dont even wanna have sex. im sick of him. he drinks to much i wanna be with someone with out a drinking problem:) I also don't wanna be alone and that is the only reason i am with him...fear of rejection from someone else. plus its comfortable and I have three kids and no career. who's gonna want that?? I am working on saying more posative things but have not acomplished that yet. like this morning i said my kids ruined my life i did not mean that at all. life is what i choose it to be. I can choose to sit in the wading pool, i can choose to go downstream or i can choose to make it hard and go up stream. i AM CHOOSING TO GO UP STREAM AGAINST THE CURRENT AND MAKE IT HARD ON MYSELF, THAT IS A CHOICE I MADE ALL ON MY OWN...I AM NOW GOING TO CHOOSE ANOTHER WAY... I started this blog as part of a new process and otlet if you will to the new me.... these are the changes i will make: 1)be a more positive person(try to not say negative or hurtful things out loud and oush them out of my head)
2)be thankful for all that i have
3)realize that nonone is perfect and everyone makes mistakes
4)allow sources love to flow through me
5)start an online buisness involved in the fitness industry
6)spend time with each child individualy everyday
until later xoxo

july 9 2010

so I am a little frustrated today. I can't go to the gym. camille contracted staph infection. jon's exsausted so...that leaves me sol!! yesterday was a decent day(except for finding out my daughter had staph) maybe i'll get in a workout this afternoon-after my energy is gone....but hey...you gotta do what u gotta do i guess:) today i am gonna try to get some things done... i am really wanting to workout!! the only thing i can possibly get done with two babys is some cardio. i think ill do that!! I think ill take off trash in a few, and go take them to the trail and go for an hour of cardio. maybe cleveland park!! that would be nice!! then all have left to do this afternoon would be some legs/abs. Im sure my mother would not mind watching camille so i could do that!! so its settled...im gonna finsih my coffee and head to take off trash then out for cardio. I might just go in tr ipod in tow:)) xoxo-n

july 7 2010

TODAY IS HUMP DAY AND IT HAS BEEN ONE HELL OF A DAY. DAY 2 OF NO PB AND STARTED WANTING IT PRETTY BAD BUT NONE IN THE HOUSE:) i HAD A VERY BUSY DAY AND GOT MY NUTRITION LECTURE NOTES FINISHED!!! YAY ME:)) HOWEVER, THE DVD PLAYER BROKE, ALL THESE NEW MOVIES TO KEEP BABY OCCUPIED AND NO DVD PLAYER, HONESTLY ITS THE ONLY WAY I GET ANYTHING DONE!! CAMILLE HAS SOME KIND OF SKIN CONDITIONAND IF ITS STILL THERE IN THE MORNING AFTER GYM GONNA HAVE TO TAKE HER DOC, READ ON WEBSITE IF ITS WHAT IT SAYS...HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS. THEY CALL IT THE SCHOOL HOUSE BUMP....SHE HAD EM BEFORE AND THEY WENT AWAY. NOT ONLY HAVE I NOT HAD PB BUT I HAVE NOT HAD COFFEE TODAY EIETHER...JUST REALIZED,.,, GO ME!! i STARTED TAKING BETA STAX AND I DID NOT THINK THEY WERE WORKING THAT WELL, GUESS I WAS WRONG. MY DIET WAS OK TODAY BUT NOT GREAT: 730AM MEAL#1 OATMEAL PANCAK ES 6EW, 1/4 C OATS 2 PKTS STEVIA 1/4
MEAL 2: 2 SCOOPS WHEY 1 SCOOP CREATINE 1 SCOOP GLUTIMINE
MEAL 3 TALAPIA RICE AND ASPARAGUS
MEAL 4 NO CARD PROTEIN PANCAKE
MEAL 5 CHICKEN 1/2 C ASPARAGUS AND 1 SCOOP PROTEIN 2 PKTS STEVIA AND 1TBSP COCOA(SWEET TOOTH)
MEAL 6 SAME AS 4
MEAL 7 8EGG WHITES 1/4 EACH MUSHROOMS AND ONIOS
1 CUP CINNIMON APPLE SPICE TEA AND 1 CUP CAMMOMILE:))) NITEY NITE

peanut butter addict....

hi my name is nikki and i am addicted to penanut butter ...seriously its july 5th and i blogged about how i just bought some peanut butter and how it was a bottle of natrally more...well that was a few hours ago and i have now demolished the whole f-ing jar. I always do I dunno why I think i can beat this i cant a have got to stop buying it...seriously flax seed onley as god is my witness....i will not go down like that:) grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I'm so pissed off at myself!!!!!! 11 g of fat per 2 tbsp...14 servings per container and i ate them all!!! i should be ashamed and i am:(

july 5th 2010

today so far so good. i am sunburned from yesterdays boat ride on the 4th:) I found it very hard as I am trying to lean out to avoid the cakes and cookies and sandwiches and chips and candy and hamburgers and hot dog and candy....so I goofed on the candy i had 3 fun size pkgs of skittles and 2 starburst. I did think simply because I did not prepare enough food. I should have stuck to my guns and just went home...but I did not wanna be alone. My meals yesterday were as follows: meal 1: 2 scoops protowhey in 1/2 cup oats, 2 pkts stevia extract
meal:2 4 scoops protowhey
meal3:3 handfulls kashi honey wheat o's cereal 1 chicken fillet(chargrilled) from chick fil a and 1 cup baked zucchini
meal:4: 4oz talapia and 1 cup zucchini
meal5:2 scoops protowhey
meaL 6(WAY TO LONG LATER): 3 fun size skittles and 2 starburst(why waiting on dinner) 4 oz chicken and broccoli and cheese(the fam trying to oblige)
meal 6:(way to long later..again) 4 scoops protowhey

eek. I really screwed up the diet. fail to plan ..plan to fail...and again today. I had my first yoga class today which was awesome and helped me relieve some stress:)) however I for gotr my post yoga snack so after the class i was STARVING!!!!! to make matters worse i had to stop by ingles for fish...complt. out at home and since thats meals 3 and 4 had to have it !!! I also picked up some pb drooling about how good it would be with my 4 scoops protein powder. I tend to abuse pb so this was a mistake. I came home an hour past the time i was suppose to eat and had a heaping 2 tbsp with my 4 sc oops proto whey...bad bad bad. waaaaay to much pb. I am now prepping food(brown rice and fish) for the next 2 days and will not screw up again, will not have anymore pb and will not screw up diet again..will be lean:) until later xoxo nikki