my nightmare

I had the worst day!! Jon is a dick. he is an alcolholic ans started a fight> he told me i neglected my children. he told me i put myself first and that i let them starve all the time.he also said i abuse them. i love my kids and live my life for them. In turn i can home and fell down the spiral and binged like no tomorrow..2 LARGE bowls apple jacks whole milk lots of ritz crackers and cheese and walnuts....spun out of control... i feel awful now:( I am skipping MOST OF MY CARBS TOMORROW and friday sat and sun will be doing cardio to make up for it....looks like ill be skipping some carbs for the rest of week too. I am not only disappointed i ate bad but upset I let him get to me...ugh....imma just leave his ass!!!

killed it...:P

I just went to the gym for my sat chest and ab workout and killed it!! I am gonna be super sore tomorrow:) it was a good workout and i am super tired now and awaiting on my thermo to kick my ass into gear! I enjoyed the sat workout and its gonna be a regular in my sced now:) i wont be doing friday afternoon workouts anymore b/c I have meeting at my job on fridays at 330 and unless i wanna workout there>>>ill have to skip em. my workout was as follows:
superset:6 sets of: chest press-6 reps 2@30lb and 4 sets@50lbs superset with db flys @10lb db @15 reps, cable crossovers @ 15lb per side @10 reps for 4 sets, 1 arm chest press 20 lb- 6 reps superset with 15 pushups 4 sets of this superset, pullovers 2 sets@ 10 reps @25 lbs and 1 set@15 reps @ 20lbs, abs stability ball crunch 3 sets of 50,leg raise 2 @50, flutterkicks 1@ 25 and stepmill intervels @ lev 9-11 bw and fwd dif foot options:) see killed it. already sore! big chest:) nice abs im stoked and working out that hard makes me feel good and noone can take that away:) love it!! gonna be a good day! xoxo

ugh cheated AGAIN

I FEEL LIKE A huge fat ass. i just ate reg pb and protein powder instead of what i was suppose to...ugh...dissappointed in myself. I have to do a makeup workout tomorrow for today b/c of a meeting in the gym i work at. I do chest and legs and abs as well as cardio and b/c of how i ate i will be doing cardio on sunday too...:-( i threw out the pb i gotta order somemore appetite chews and get back on plan here. i gotta train a fitness competitor and im not eating on my plan...so next week im gonna have to do cardio in am on m-fri...yes 5 days...and at night4 days and plus my sat chest. workout....I've gotta remember FOOD IS FUEL NOT PLEASURE.....

motivated...100%

things are going great. I'm back on track with diet! 1 day 100%. I did my intense cardio this morning on a empty stomach and have had my breakfast. I have made the children whole wheat pancakes and turkey bacon(as well as the hubby) and the kids have eaten. I have a conference this morning im hoping i c an do on phone. I also have to go to the food stamps office and mail in medicaid office and then i have a meeting at work and i have to research training stratigies for a fitness competitor im about to be training. things are going well and falling right into place. I am happy with where my life is headed and my body is responding well to the diet mike has me on. im gonna KEEP at it HARD and NEVER NEVER NEVER GIVE UP....

not feeling it...

I am so not feeling it today...i really was exhausted this morning during my cardio session and my energy has been super low all day:-( I really wanna eat a bad meal, some dessert and let my body rest for the day. I am worn.... but im not going down like that:) i am gonna eat and FORCE myself to the gym and FORCE myself through my workout/cardio and come home and feed kiddos:) im really gonna have to FORCE myself though cos i am exhausted....i really want some peanut butter and snacks ....boooo so i ate 3 pkgs of crackers-pb and i had 1 serving teddy grahamns and went to gym and worked out...lol. I ate my post workout meal and am now craving some oreos like something serious....eek. this is redicilous maybe today i should lay off and allow myself some bad foods. fuck it. im not perfect nor am in contest prep...yet as i was eating hersheys kisses and such my son looks at me and says is it cheat day today?? GUILTY i feel like a failure:( I am so ashamed and feel like a complete douchebag:( ok so that my innocent son saying that to me stopped me in my tracks. i need to set a good example of deication and never never never giving up. so i fucked up. owell. its over i cant fix it but i can move fowrd and learn from it. I am over the eating crap for a while and back on the plan. immediate as soon as i go out i must have gum. thats what has been saving me:) also i am not gettin my reward now. i screwed up....it starts again tomorrow im gonna have my full fat pb/protein mixyure and junk and then back on plan guess this was cheat day afterall...

hopeful-

well its wendsday march 23 2011. I ate a little too much protein last night and went off the diet plan but today is a new day and im on point. cardio done @530am on empty stomach 2 meals down 1 lipo 6 black and nutrtion and go yin in mny system:) I now am drinking coffee about to get some school work done. I am not sure about the future of my marriage but i did accept a sales position @ a christain gym in powdersville> they are suppose to be giving me in house certification and then i get to start training. I am eager to get my ace certification and find a good place to train that i can actually make money at that is not religious but you cant strt out at the top so ill start here and move up to a better place:-) I have got to get my certification and do my best. i will so i have to get off the computer drink my coffee and attempt my school work:)....till then

period.

so im on my period and it makes me crave choclote. i am not allowed and sugar or protein powder in my diet but i had some any way...ugh. my last meal was suppose to be 6 egg whites but knowing i was gonna be up a bit i had 1. 1.4 scoop vanilla myofusion with 2 tbsp cocoa powder:) yummo. I really want some candy but ya know i gotta stick to the diet better. i hate im not getting cheat meals anymore it makes it super hard!! I will still be eating again more than likely so ill prob still get in my next meal. so I screwed up(although not too badly) tomorrow is a new day and i will start fresh. tomorrow is a big day for me anyways:) I have a job interview as a trainer at this new gym and i think imma get it! I'm confident and nevous @ the same time:) I gotta lot to do....xo,

still going strong:)

well today i s march 20,2011 and i am still going stong on my diet and feel super acomplished. I do have to say that not getting to eat good tasty food and wayching everyone else get to is rough, esp since i make all the goodies for my kids. I find comfort in feeding them things i can have lol. as a matter of fact, I am making them cinnimon rolls as we speak:) they sure smell good and i would love to have the whole pkg!! I have goals and the instant pleasure and happiness is not worth the guilt. I have to keep telling myself that! I am really missing the almond butter i gotta say:( that was my little comfort food at the end of the night when my craving are the worst!! I got a email, i gotta call and scedule a interview for this gym as a personal trainer. I need to do that in just a little bit. I am hoping that i get it. so my training is off today and its suppose to be relaxation day but im baby sitting my brothers 8 month old!! 3 babys i will have! eek. but its only for a few hours so i guess ill survive....i hope we will see so here is to me sticking to my diet! I am rewarding myself by getting myself some mac makeup! next week will be new shirts from jennyh.com. they are cute. one says food is fuel not pleasure( i think i need this one the most) and the 2ed one days keep the food clean and the workouts dirty..love it!! this is my motivation to keep pushing through my workouts. love it. are you who you wanna be?....own it...

food troubles

I am exhausted and cranky, It has been a rough day for me and I am having some serious peanut butter and brownie cravings. I have done great on my diet i have had an extra meal of 1 1/4 scoop of myofusion pre bed which is allowed( im gonna dble check that with mike tom via email). my workouts have been amazing and I have done everything asked for the most part. Today was chest and leg shaping and cardio. tomorrow morning is my make-up cardio and abs and i am toast for now:( I have a busy day tomorrow and I wanna do something fun for the kiddos:) ive gotta get my nail fixed and jonny boy has to get a haircut, plus house is mess, bills to be paid...ect:

killer cravings!! 3/16/11

this was suppose to be my fitness journal but has actually turned out to be my "food craving" journal. well folks im at it again and having one of those moments! Its 30 minutes untill my next meal and 1 hour from my next workout and def def have some major major JUNK cravings and feel like im gonna break:-(. how do people do this? what do they do to get over their cravings> this is making me crazy! i am at the point now that i just wanna take a 24 hour break, 24 hour break from both my diet as well as workkouts, im hungry, exhausted and sore. its so hard having kids in the house and having junk here. im not buying anymore. im gonna have to take time to make them healthy snacks such as sweet potatoe chips and healthy oatmeal cookies. I am having major peanut butter cravings or any junk right about now! I actually bought some pb&j crackers and want like 5 pkgs right now. ugh and the worst part is....im outta gum:( gum is usally what saves me but since i dont have any it is NOT working:( this diet thing is tough and i am woundering if i can do the compete thing. this takes a lot of disapline and that is one of the reasons i wanna do it, to prove to myself. i can do this. i can beat my cravings. i am stronger than this. period. i got this. i will not give in until my trainer/nutritionist says i may, which wont be anytime soon!! ive got 10 mor lbs of fat to loose first:( untill next time

never known hunger...

ok so next time im eating "normal"(if ever again) i will never say im hungry ever again for i have never known hunger until now. being a healthy trim muscular female is hhard hard work. you bust your ass you starve yourself, you eat the same foods day in and day out over and over again and it gets old. I would do anything for a poptart right now or a sandwich

well today is march 12 2011. I have done my 4th cardio this beautiful sat on a empty stomach:) my program for this week was followed 100% ans i feel a huge sense of acomplishment:) I am soo gonna start a reward program for my acomplishments:) i need to get my nails fixed today since one of them broke off on my thumb and the rest of them need filling...o woo is me. I am thinking of getting a new job because im sick of being broke and we could use the extra$. thie hardest part for me is gonna be working it around my training scedule and maddux school as well as doc appointments and such. my fitness stuff gets pretty pricey:) here is an example: supplements:monthly:energy 2 boxes @ 45.00 each,nutrition 2 bottles @ 25.00 each, go yin 31.95, appetite chews 25.00, lipo 6 black-50.00, gym membership 30.00, extras 60.00 month( a reward for following my plan i allow myself)-keeps me motivated:), nutrition plan_30.00, workouts 100.00- this is for one month it adds up to almost 500.00 amonth not including food...wo is me so therefore to keep up at this rate i need a job:) and the search is on....

moving along...

well i started my new diet monday and its going great, im feeling great and all my workouts have gotten done on time as of this week. I am starting to see some definate muscle definition! I really like working with mike and hope i can afford to continue working with him. its only 130.00 per month for diet and workouts but the puregenesis products are pricey but if i absolutley have to, i guess ill have to let those go but i hope i dont have to because i think those products have a lot to do with the reason i have been feeling so good and its awesome to get off of all the creatine/bcaa and excess supplements i was taking that are hard on my body and stomach. so i guess im rally gonna do this compete thing and im excited and nervous. I am not expecting too much out of my first show but to enjoy and experience the journey. my marriage is falling apart and we have grown apart. we say very ugly stuff to one another and it breaks my heart:( I dont know what to do i cant stand him one minute and the next i love him. i hate that we never spend time together. i hate that he drinks all the time. i hate that he is so unhealthy and eats crap and wants to feed my kids crap. i hate that he is unsupportive in my fitness lifestyle and does not understand why i wanna put myself through this. I wissh things were different but if he does not change or we cant find a happy medium then we are gonna have to go our seperate ways.

mental strength

menatal strength has really been on my mind lately!! being healthy is hard but getting ready for shows with kids, a husband with no dl, trying to get my pt certification and everything else is sooo freking hard. sometime i wounder if i should just quit but quitting in not in my vocabulary~ never never never give up is my motto and philosophy. its easy to let those little voices that are inside your head tell you what to do....its raining and you gotta take the kids to the sitters just to go to the gym?? give me a break. that is my situaiton right now not to mention that i cant stand training chest although i looove the way a stron chest looks on men and females so im gonna suck it up and go i know i will feel so much better when i do right? its just the kiddos thing thta such a hassle ugh pack em up foor diapers wipes cups get em ready meet baby sitter ect ect ect and its waaay outta the way of gym and then go back n get em....ugh o well fit body fot mind ....lets do this:)

arnold day

I am newely motivated since watching the arnold finals. I am ready to move foward with my fitness endeavors and compete. this scares the fuck outta me and part of me wants to back thefuck out. this however,makes the other part of me want it more. funny how the mind works. looking at this photo makes me see what i need to work on the most is delts and legs which happens to be the 2 most importent parts of figure as well:) i ordered my new cardio and workout plan and nutrition write up from mike today and will be recieving it on sunday. i look foward to it and am anxious to continue to make improvements to my body and keep getting better and better. I will continue to blog on my progress as well as post new progress pics 1x a month...and the

beat moves on...looking at these photos grosses me out. the backs of my legs look awful. i see cellulite and fat. i really dislike my legs, bum and stomache. ok, no cheats follow diet workout hard....let's do this:)

period craving...eek

so i started my period today:( i am seriously craving sweets...ahhhh this sux sux sux!! i know i am dieting and i cant cheat even tho i am not "in contest prep" i kinda am and i also know that if i start i wont stop....ill devour everything sweet in the house! i want poptarts and crackers and cookies lol...this is super duper hard for me not to eat everything in my sight. i can feel full and i want comfort. i wounder how competitors do this all the time? i prob just need to keep myself busy so i dont loose it. its insaine to me how much food can control a person! my next meal is not for 30 mins and i feel so frekin hungry but this is NOTHING compared to how i will feel the last week of contest prep so i guess i better suck it up and get used to it huh?? i have had 2 appeitie chews today and they dnt seem to be helping but making me crave them more..cos they are CHOCOLATE..............grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr