july 21 2010

well today is .my second day of being sick as hell. i have some kinda stomach virus and having to take care of kids while sick is not fair. my husband is not very husbandly andi think i wanna divorce. I feel like im all on my own with everything and all he does is pay bills. not fair. i could work and pay bills myself. been there done that. I actually have less help with three kids than i had with one. i have not showered in 3 days and my hair is greasy. the house is a mess even though in between bathroom runs(literally) i hhave been trying to wash dishes do laundry and vacuum only to turn around and there be crmbs all over the floor and carpet again. i should be resting but not happening because im a mom. I guess thats life. i love my kids but have a lot of resendtment twards jon. there are so many things about him i hate and i know i should not hold gruges but he does not really change i feel like i have to walk on egg shells around him. he's not very fatherly to maddux which is very important!!! the kids make me insaine!!! i never get a break ever!! he thinks on his days off he is suppose to relax and drink beer bbq make a fucking mess or whatever and when he works he is suppose to sleep till time for him to get up and get ready!!!! how fair is that?? i had a 2 hour lectut=re i had to do live and things happeneded and i had to bring mad home for church and he was going to satans house so could not watch his own kids si 2 days later guess where he is still at??? now im sick and i was suppose to bring the kids to him? seriously?? selfish ass!! he does not want to do things for me suc as helping me have time to myself(kid free) to get school work done butim suppose to go outta my way to get him tabs, a ride whereever he needs to go, bc thats my duty AS a wife??? what about his duty as a husband?? fuck that an eye for an eye from now on!! on top of that i feel like im loosing my fitness because ive been so sick i have not been going to gym, tomorow i have to go bc i cant miss more than 2 days i now am gonna have to go through the weekeend as well but thats fine. i have a goal in mind of competiting next year and i will do it. i may not place well but im gonna enter expewrience it and live my passion of fitness. thats another thing about him i cant stand he makes it so hard to live healthy. he drinks smokes and eats crap. there is always beer boxes on floor....im over the party scence and drinking every once in a while is fine but not all the fucking time. i wanna set a good example, dont get me wrong have things on myself i need to work on as well. my anger, temper and attitude are a constant struggle for me. i will continue working on myself inside and out... untill later xo